ONCE...my 1st PO

Fri 11 Feb 2011 (11022011), I got my first PO !!! At first I kinda puzzled to see a fax copy of my quotation on my table. At the back, was a letter with the customer's letterhead with summary of my quotation. I thought '..is this a PO or what ?'. I looked for its reference and it written 'PO Ref No:..' !

I showed it to my boss, my director and closed friends. Now only I'm feeling like a real AM ! Even though the amount is not that big, am hoping for more POs to come with bigger values of course.

Thank you God..syukur Alhamdulillah...

ONCE...who would know ?

Last Thu, I went to my best friend's house for a so-called house warming. Turnout there's different agenda ! At first, I kinda reluctant..told him that but since he insisted, I just went to get myself a free lunch.

Turned out..not as bad as I expected. In fact, I'm not quite sure what is happening to me now. Kinda keep thinking..looking forward..but still unsure whether I'm really up for it or not. Someone dear to me is having mixed feeling about all this. Whether all the bad experiences made the circumstances as such, or some feelings left untold or unsure.

Is it happening too fast ? Am I kinda needed one ? Or Allah has His own way of showing me the path ? O Allah...I'm leaving it all to You as You are The All Knowing of everything.

ONCE...cabaran 2011

Permulaan 2011 agak menarik...gear 1 yg terlalu lama pada penghujung 2010 dan sukar untuk dinaikkan ke gear 2...namun, pada 2011 expectations and reality seems to move very fast..suddenly, my gear is already on 4 !!! already speeding up...things run very fast that I wish, I've more time in this world..

With that, I've got myself the P1 WIMAX and so far it works well...it gave myself some added hours to get things done, checking stuffs, etc...i just need to workout on the distraction i'm getting...really need to work my ass out for it..

all in all, it has good start...hope for it to be forever, but as always...plan for the worse, hope for the best !

ONCE...closing 2010

It has been a very colorful year..2010 it is. Lots of memorable events took place..challenging experiences..fruitful and painful memories. This year, I'm exposed to lots of stuffs..losing and bonding, losses and discoveries..lemme try to summarize it all..

Quarter 1 2010

- life: found, lost, found again

- work: trusted, troubled, smoothen

Quarter 2 2010

- life: cherished, lost, new environments and cultures, strengthen bonding

- work: work-life bonding, exciting experiences, painful outcome

Quarter 3 2010

- life: soul-searching, improving ties, moving on

- work: soul-searching, reclaimed myself, new challenges

Quarter 4 2010

- life: perished, bonding both loved ones and doubtful

- work: gearing up, new challenges again, troubled and inspiring, new frontier

All in all, 2010 shared to many experiences..losing people that i love, found new people to love and share, creating new bondings, strengthening long lost bondings, new challenges and experiences. When I thought I've seen enough, 2010 showed me that there are lot more that I haven't seen. And even too many that I've seen in 2010, I believed that there are still more to discover.

2011 looks promising..can see the blink of lights at the end of the tunnel..after all, coming 2011, it's really up to me to chart it forward. Eager and aggressive, I may redeem the rewards. Laid back and lazy, I shall face the consequences. No holding back for me in 2011...and I have to grab this opportunity, work my ass off for both my work and life related stuffs...and ensuring that I will be able to take home the bread.

"O Allah, I thanked you for all the love, challenges and experiences You gave me in 2010. Help me Allah, for a better life and future in 2011, and years ahead. Amin."

ONCE...33

hari ini..alhamdulillah..meningkat lagi usia aku..sambutan seorangan huhu...but i'm glad having my closed friends with me...mudah2an usia yg bertambah turut menambah perubahan kearah kebaikan dalam hidup aku...

ONCE...ketentuan

Aku tertengok TV3..ulangan cerekarama 'Ketentuan'. Tiba2 sayu hati aku bila tgk cite ni..bergenang airmataku..

Asalnya aku nak coretkan kisah yang berlaku pada aku semalam. Air muka aku jatuh, malu yang tak tertanggung pada seorang sahabat. Dah lebih 12 tahun aku kawan ngan dia..dh macam2 yang aku lalui ngan dia. Tapi kerana niat aku utk menolong seseorang, orang itu jugak yang mencampakkan najis ke muka aku. Tanpa rasa simpati..tanpa rasa setiakawan..tanpa rasa bersalah..

Walaupun aku pernah sedar perangai dia yg hanya pentingkan diri sendiri..cume aku tak sangka yang dia berfikiran singkat seperti ini..buat aku tertanya2 macam mana aku pernah sayang dia satu ketika dulu..mungkin Allah sayangkan aku dan membuka mata aku luas2 agar nampak segala kebatilan dan hikmah yang tersembunyi..

Ketika ini, aku masih belum mampu utk menghubungi sahabat aku untuk memohon maaf..aku tak tau mana nak letak muka ini..tak tau mana nak letak diri ini untuk berdepan dgn dia..aku harap satu hari nanti dia sudi maafkan aku dan anggap ini hanyalah satu sejarah hitam yang takkan berulang lagi..

Untuk org itu..aku tak tau sampai bila dia akan terus menghina aku...sementelah hinaannya bisa membuatkan dia bahagia...tika ini, cukup saja aku berdiam dan anggap dia tidak wujud...kerana jika aku berbicara, mungkin terlalu bisa untuk dia terima...aku harap jangan sampai dia buat aku maki dia hatta di depan khalayak ramai sekalipun...i dun like seeing the evil in me busting out in the open..

ONCE...back to the jungle

setelah hampir 8 tahun aku tak menjejakkan kaki kehutan di Malaysia ini..satu ketika aku pantas mendaki gunung, meredah hutan, membelah lautan dgn kayak..lama benar kutinggalkan aktiviti2 itu..

canopy walk di tmn negara

pada 1 okt lepas, aku tiba dia rainforest resort di kuala tahan..dan keesokannya aku ditelan hutan taman negara..segarnya bau hutan..nyamannya suasana sungai dan percikan air di jeram..mengimbau kenangan lalu..melupakan aku sejenak pada kota yang kadangkala membawa derita..

aku bersyukur kerana masih lagi berkudrat untuk mendaki bukit..menyusuri lembah..melengkari akar pokok yg membatangi denai..meredah arus dgn ilmu renang yg baru setahun jagung..namun, aku masih hanyut..hanyut dalam arus dunia..kuharap temui semula dahan yg utuh untuk aku berpaut semula..untuk mengharungi arus dunia yang begitu mencabar...

ONCE...apa perlu aku rasa ?

September ini banyak kenangan...kenangan manis dan pahit. Aku membuat satu perkara yg tak pernah aku lakukan sebelum ini...dan kenapa aku melakukannya, entah. Tiada terpasang niat sebetulnya..hanya membuat mengikut rasa tanpa berfikir panjang akan akibat dan natijahnya.

Sept ini menemukan aku kembali dgn rakan karibku yg telah lama tidak kutemui..dan seorang yg telah lama menjauhkan diri. Walaupun belum lagi semesra dahulu, mudah2an ianya akan kembali seperti dulu.

Aku harungi persahabatan baru..tidaklah baru sangat pun cume baru rapat lebih dari dulu. Namun, sementelah persahabatan itu disalahertikan. Sepertinya aku ingin membunuh satu persahabatan yang telah terbina lebih sedekad. Sepertinya aku menikam rakan dari belakang seakan mengambil kesempatan atas kesempitan.

Aku juga mengharungi kehilangan. Rayaku tahun ini bersama anak2 teranjak ke pertengahan raya. Dan aku hilang Tok Ngah Jabek..insan yang cukup mulia dan mesra. Teringat tiap kali dia memanggil aku 'comel'. Hampir semua dipanggilnya begitu. Tatkala merenung jenazah yg redup dan tersenyum, aku tenang. Namun, tika mukanya ditutup kembali, hatiku hiba dan sebak. Pandangan Yasinku kabur, suaraku tersekat2, airmataku berlinangan. Terkilan benar kerana raya ini begitu bentuknya aku menziarahi beliau. Terkilan kerana beberapa kali hasratku untuk singgah beraya tidak kesampaian. Terkilan kerana jika kuturutkan jua untuk singgah, pastinya aku tau beliau sedang sakit. Pastinya aku tau ketika beliau terlantar dihospital. Pastinya aku isi masaku menziarahi beliau dan mungkin masaku kurang dengan persahabatan baru tersebut.

Dan kini aku kehilangan beliau. Dan apa mungkin aku jua bakal hilang persahabatan baru tersebut. Apa mungkin takdirNya aku hanya perlu hidup begini...seorang diri...

ONCE...sept kembali lagi...

sept kembali lagi...mengimbau seribu satu kenangan...tertakluknya tarikh penutup dan juga tarikh pembuka lembaran baru...seakan sept ini sentiasa menjadi pembuka dan penutup sejak beberapa tahun kebelakangan ini. apakah sept ini bakal membuka satu lagi lembaran baru untukku ?

pengalaman lalu membuatkan aku serik. serik utk dikecewakan...serik utk dihina...serik utk memujuk hati dan membina diri. alhamdulillah, aku cukup tenang kini. bagaimana ? kadang2, aku pun tak mengerti...payah utk aku menjawab soalan2 begitu. kurendamkan hidupku dgn aktiviti2 yang menyihatkan...sekian lama aku tak bermain badminton dan kini aku kembali melibaskan reketku yang telah tersimpan sejak 2006. keasyikan sukan baru sedikit demi sedikit menuntut ruang waktu untuk diisi.

kerjaku kini turut mencabar. apabila kebebasan diberikan, aku rasa tepu untuk memastikan ianya tidak disalahgunakan...tepu untuk memastikan aku punya sesuatu untuk ditawarkan...tepu juga apabila kehendak dan tanggapan yang bercanggah dari rakan2 tentang apa yang diharapkan dariku. kembalinya rakan2 dari jauh, mengubat kerinduan dan mengisi kekosongan masa. walaupun kekangan lain membuatkan aku kurang selesa dilokasi, namun aku pasrah.

apakah sept ini bakal membuatkan ceritaku seperti cerita adam ? yang menyatakan pada liyana "...buat apa berjumpa kalau untuk berpisah kan ?" namun, penghujungnya mereka bahagia bersama. atau cerita sufi atau ean ?

bisikku pada bulan...kembalikan. temanku, kekasihku, syurgaku. tanpa dia, kelam menemaniku..sepi memelukku.

bulan...jangan biar siang. biar alam ini kelam. biar ia sepi...sepertiku.

mak bi pula berkata "..kadang2, orang yang paling kita sayang la yang susah untuk disayangi.." manakala ris "...to love is to let go.."

apakah yang bakal menantiku sept ini...?

ONCE...hinakah aku ?

Hinakah aku hanya kerana statusku ?

Hinakah aku hanya kerana kegagalanku ?

Apakah status menjanjikan kebahagian ?

Apakah staus mendatangkan kedamaian ?

Atau apakah status hanya alasan ?

Bagi menjaga status dan maruah ?

Bagi menjaga nama baik dan kehormatan ?

Apakah status dimata Allah ?

Apakah maruah dimata Allah ?

Apakah kehormatan dimata Allah ?

Teringat pesan bapa angkatku

Yang tua dihormati, yang muda disayangi

Maka tatkala yang tua menyombong diri

Dan yang muda merana hati

Apakah bisa yang muda membongkari hati yang tua ?

Agar bisa melihat akibat kesombongan mereka

Atau yang muda membiarkan saja dan menahan jiwa ?

Agar mereka sedar akibat kesombongan mereka

Yang meratah jiwa yang muda

Yang meragut harapan kebahagiaan

Yang mematahkan tujuan

Yang mematikan hati

Namun

Apakah sanggup yang muda memerhati

Tragedi dan trauma saban hari

Dikala itu semua terjadi

Terlalu lambat dikemudian hari

ONCE...apa lagi yg tak kena

Ramadhan datang lagi kali dan aku harap ianya lebih baik dari yang sebelumnya. Alhamdulillah, aku berjaya kecap nikmat sahur..and berbuka tadi. Sekali lagi aku berpuasa seorangan. Namun, aku bersyukur.

Ujian kala puasa sungguh mencabar hari ini. Aku jadi tidak faham apa lagi salahku. Apa lagi yang dimahukan dariku ? Aku diserang atas maklumat yang salah. Apa lagi yang diingini dariku ? Susah benarkah utk biarkan aku hidup sendiri ? Sementelah aku diperlakukan sedemikian rupa ?

Sungguh aku tak faham...

ONCE...wonderful !

It has been a wonderful 3 weeks since I came back. Even though some setbacks like I lost when Germany lost in semi final and Holland in final, but the whole lessons and what has happen really an eye opener. Really grateful with His love and guidance.

My role now is much challenging than before. But, it is something that I've been dreaming before. Now, I can do it with blessings and lots of freedom on how to do it. Appreciate the care and love from people that matter the most...some that I didn't expect..some that has long lost...some that always been there.

ONCE...jelas sudah

Minggu lepas telah jelas segalanya. Bila kusangkakan yang aku sudah tidak punya tempat, rupa-rupanya berebut hehe. Syukur aku pada-Nya atas segala anugerah. Syukur atas ujian dan ketenangan yang diberikan padaku.

Minggu ini bermula kerja baruku. Agak mencabar kerana perlu aku umpamakan seperti menarik rambut dalam tepung, rambut tak putus, tepung tidak berserakan. Kadang-kadang aku timbulkan peringatan bahawa harapan agak menggunung. Agar aku sentiasa beringat dimana aku berpijak. Cukuplah sekali aku diumpamakan lupa diri, sepertinya bagus maka memandang orang lain jauh. Begitulah manusia menjadi beza tatkala suka dan benci. Ketika suka, segalanya indah. Tika benci, yang dulunya indah kini busuk dan buruk.

Namun aku pasrah. Kerana aku tahu insan itu berbeza. Kerana aku kenal benar hati budi insan itu. Kadang aku tidak faham apa yang diinginkan dariku. Bukankah semuanya sudah jelas ? Bukankah kau sudah mengorak langkah maju kedepan ? Mengapa mesti kau menoleh kebelakang sedangkan aku juga sudah mengorak langkahku sendiri.

Kuharapkan semua ini...aku pasti Dia mendatangkan ujian ini untuk kebaikanku. Mungkin utk kebaikan semua. Ujian ini untuk menyedarkan aku bahawa aku ini insan hina. Namun, aku ada maruah dan harga diri. Aku ada nilai yang hanya mereka yang mengenalinya sahaja yang menghargainya. Satu hari nanti, kebenaran pasti timbul jua.

ONCE...wordless

I've no perfect words to describe what I'm feeling right now...facing a situation that given a chance, i can make it good...i know and i believed i can...and i will...

But the chance was not given...it was taken without me knowing...i've no forum to justify and explain...just facing the consequences and start thinking about the future...

Where shall I go...?

ONCE...feelings

why must assumptions and ill-feelings comes to my mind..?

why can't i think of situational difficulties faced that prevents the needs..?

is it because of unfinished and uncleared business..?

or has the faith and confidence started fading..?

ONCE...di perantauan (3)

Minggu ni agak kelam...berita2 yang aku dengar, kebanyakannya meruntun jiwa dan perasaan. Syukur ada rakan2 yang memahami dan membantu menenangkan aku...hampir saja aku terjerumus kekancah yang tidak dpt aku gambarkan...

Namun, kerap jua fikiran ini melayang...mengenangkan apakah salah dan dosaku..? apakah salah fikiran dan tindakanku..? dimanakah salahnya diriku ini..? apakah jenis ujian yang ditimpakan...sementelah jatuh ditimpa tangga..dipatuk ayam pula..diberak kapur disudu angsa..

apakah hikmah dan pengajaran disebalik insiden2 ini ? hmmm....

ONCE...di perantauan (2)

umah aku ada ramai...makan alhamdulillah..takde masalah langsung..sampai aku pulak yg naik segan..yelah, bangun jek sarapan dh siap..bila balik je sume sibuk2 kt dapur..aku pun sibuk la jugak...sibuk nyembang...sume org ada part, masak siap makan...pastu adalak yg kemaskan...aduss...

overall, alhamdulillah..umah satu kepala...mmg dicaturkan camtu pun...cabaran pun tak kurang hebat kat sini..mujur la rakan2 ada membantu...sungguhpun dari segi moral...itu lebih dari cukup sebenarnya...heat dari semenanjung pun sampai juga kat sini..kire cuaca yang sejuk nyaman ni terasa jugak la bahangnya bila disinar cahaya matahari..

aku harap dan aku doakan semoga matahariku terus bersinar..sungguhpun awan mendung sekali sekala, semoga ianya sentiasa bersinar selamanya...

ONCE...di perantauan

Well, kalu nak ikutkan dah selalu pun datang ke bumi sederhana beku nih..cume kali ni lama sikit duduknya. Setakat ni cuaca malam dlm 5C and siang kalu xde matahari dlm 14C, kalu ada matahari dlm 18C. Sejuk lagi la...sume orang pakai jaket lagi. Volcano melanda and sume rakan2 tergendala...melangut la sorang2 kat sini tunggu diorang sampai.

Membelakangi Sungai Dnipro

pemandangan musim bunga dari kamar

sarapan orang bujang sambil menikmati pemandangan musim bunga

Semalam, dapat makan nasi ngan serunding jek, itu pun 2 pinggan gak la. And lunch tadi, layan Tom Yam Kung kat Pranada Plaza...kire ok la..cume aku nak rasa pedas but disappointed. What can you expect in this part of the world right ?

ONCE...lebih baik diam..

secara jujurnya, aku tak tau macam mana harus diluahkan rasa hati ini. terasa begitu terpukul apabila menyedari yang aku tiada siapa disisi. segala yang dikatakan bagus, budi menggunung melangit tinggi, namun, tika badai datang melanda, kita cume jaga diri sendiri. budi yang menggunung tinggi ranap sekelip mata dan yang kelihatan hanyalah arang-arang hitam yang busuk dan perlu dijauhi.

mengapa ketika itu bisa membuat kita lupa kawan atau lawan ? madu atau racun ? dosa atau pahala ? mengapakah aku masih belum memahatkan dikepala bahawa manusia itu begitu ? apakah dengan melampiaskan kemarahan kepada mereka dapat menyedarkan mereka ? atau hanya mengeruhkan lagi suasana ? apakah harus aku pergi ? bagi menjaga hati yang kian tipis dihiris berkali-kali ?

.......

ONCE...ujian lagi..?!!

Today perhaps is the most trying test I've ever gotten. Felt so low...felt so down. And I hated that feeling and how I behaved.

If lifelong learning = learn, unlearn and relearn...should i think, unthinking and rethink ? Should I..? Why did I behave like that ? Why did I get 'that' in return ? What went wrong actually ? Why it never happen before ?

When pressure is too much to handle, guess it affect how people behave and react. Am I not aware of my own colors ? Or am I ignorant ? Or what had happen especially the past few years changed me ? Or perhaps....I simply don't have a clue....

ONCE...ujian bulan Mac 2010I

Bulan ini agak banyak ujian yg aku terima. In fact, last week was the most pressing time for me. My patience, my emotions and my confidence was tested to the max. I almost lost what I treasured the most.

Kadang2, kejujuran itu membunuh. Dan apabila kepercayaan itu mula pudar, biar atas dasar yang agak remeh...agak sukar untuk mendapatkannya kembali. Aku kena selalu ingat bahawa manusia mudah lupa (aku pun la sekali). Ketika tenang, semua perkara bagus dan cantik. Tapi dikala sempit, silap sedikit membawa padah. Diketika itu, segala kebaikan dan kebagusan hilang sementelah kesilapan yang sedikit. Keuntungan jangka panjang juga kadang2 tidak kelihatan kerana keadaan semasa yang lebih mendesak.

Maka, apa yang harus dilakukan ? Bertahan ? Bersabar ? Telan ? Redha ? Learn...and relearn...in fact, unlearn and relearn.

Semalam sekali lagi diuji...tatkala segalanya dijangkakan lancar..masih ada halangan. masih ada dugaan...LIFE IS GREAT !!!

ONCE...reprimand

It has been ups and downs since Feb..in fact since 2010. And as I thought things has gone smooth, there's always something missing and overlooked. And today, I was caught off guard ! Being reprimand...! And as I tried to redeem myself, being hurt after that.

Well, as usual...I take it as my fault. Was asked to give reasons but there's none that is satisfying and I don't wanna give reasons just for the sake of covering my ass. Especially to this person. It's bad when name and reputation at stake...and if I don't really protect it, I might loose it.

Why did I slip that in the first place ? *sigh*

ONCE...sweet Sunday

It was a sweet and memorable Sunday. If Izad and his family is there it'll be much more interesting. All gather for lunch, chit-chat, laughters...then followed with Choc Indulgence for both pakcik & Ery. Then, head home...

Hope it'll always be this way...forever...

ONCE...sepetang with Pakcik Isa

Semalam aku singgah jumpa Pakcik Isa..dah lama aku tak jumpa. Dalam perjalanan balik dari kampung, aku singgah. Dan seperti biasa, perbincangan hangat (atau lebih pada satu hala la cam biasa) tentang perkembangan dunia dan negara.

Satu ketika dia tanya apa yang aku cari..dan aku kata BAHAGIA. "Tempuh derita, pasti jumpa bahagia" katanya. Selebihnya, untuk aku kupas sendiri dan intipati perbualan sebagai mengimbas atau mengingati semula semua pesanan dan ajaran. "Sedang dididik lagi menyeman, ini pulak terbiau" memang tepat untuk aku. Dan kata-kata yang aku tak ingin lupakan dan aku abadikan disini...

Kepalang tukang, kayu binasa

Kepalang pemerintah, negara binasa

Kepalang ulama, negara binasa

Bidalan melayu yang dalam maknanya...yang perlu diamati dan dihayati oleh semua untuk dijadikan iktibar dan panduan dalam hidup dan kerjaya...baik yang menuruti maupun yang dituruti.

ONCE...2010

2010...new year...started with mixed feelings. Had great time actually during new year's eve...watched fireworks..had a good chat and fabulous companion. Where does it lead to..? For now..I don't know...hope God shows me the way and guide me.

Weekend mostly filled with work...great way to start new year eh ? Been working the whole Sat & Sun...in fact yesterday till 3am..need to do ironing some more..hands ironing and brain exploring..thinking or even dreaming...slept at 4.30am and woke-up at 8am...

During the weekend, I've got mixed feelings...things that I thought was right...and accepted suddenly overturned. Some extend I don't understand why. But again, we're human. Sometimes we forget...we have expectations..and that lead us to depression and frustration.

What I learned from last year is not to have any expectations. That reduce the chance of being hurt and disappointed. That doesn't mean you don't need to have aims. Aim and work hard towards it. God's willing...you will get what you're aiming for...

ONCE...snowing and -17C

I'm here again..almost 2 weeks already. This time I traveled light as my colleague told me (before he returned to Kiev) that it's still 15c. Sick of getting my luggage lock broke, I brought 1 hand-carry luggage with my notebook bag. Things I bring (including the one 1 wear tht day):

1. 1 long-sleeve shirt
2. 1 black pant
3. 1 jeans (501 of course)
4. 1 short
5. 2 short-sleeve round-neck t-shirts
6. 2 short-sleeve collared t-shirts
7. 1 long-sleeve round-neck t-shirt
8. 1 sweater
9. 1 sport jacket (malaysian one..not for winter)
10. 3 pairs of socks
11. 10 briefs (dun wanna buy again)
12. 1 pair of black shoe
13. 1 pair of sport shoe
14. 1 pair of winter glove (bought in mar 2009)
15. 1 winter hat (kgb style bought in mar as well)

In front of my apartment..1st winter jacket

Felt the coldness in Schipol and I put on my sweater and jacket. In Borispol, I'm freezing in the bus to the terminal and while waiting for the car ! Lucky the apartment has central heater. My colleague here told me that the temperature just drop a day before I arrived. And the day I arrived, it's snowing. Kinda bringing them the possibility of having white Christmas hehehe..

After futsal ngan sorang melayu ngalahkan mat saleh pakai short tgh2 snow..

My friend sold me one of his long-john and the next day, at 2C..I can't stand it anymore and bought my first (and only i guess) winter jacket. On sale now so got it cheap. There weather also made wanna quite smoking as it is freaking cold. It was -10C on Mon, and I don't dare to freeze my fingers just to puff 'em. But yesterday was bad ! :( I walked out from home and didn't feel as cold..my fingers seems okey. I thought I've acclimatized well..so I bought a new pack. Apparently, it was -4C yesterday..but today it's -17C !!!

Snow gettin thicker..survived with my winter coat & shoes

Owh, another stuff that helped me survive, my first (and only again) winter shoe which i bought on Sun. Before lunch I asked my colleague here for souvenir shops nearby as to go to Kreshatik would be quite far. There's one at the Metro station, but he didn't offer to go there with me at all. He normally would go lunch with me..so I guess he don't wanna walk 15 minutes in that weather. So, I walked there..and really challenging with the winds...sun helps a bit. Can't really feel the warmness but seeing it kinda gave me warmth. On the way back, had lunch at the pizza restaurant..had salmon steak and americano then head back to office.

One thing for sure when I return home..is to have nasi lemak and teh tarik...and KFC (err this one has been long overdue..b4 i came here..and here of course..not halal..)...can't wait to be home...

ONCE...empty ?

Had dinner last nite when suddenly two men asked me to join their table...looks like tabligh guys..me with my short hehe..and true enough, they started their pitch and i just nod the entire conversation...he admitted that nodding may not be positive..but i just reserved my comments..

At one point he asked me, "what's in your heart now ? because when I observed you, you look like full of emptiness"...and i just laugh my heart out...is it really appear on my face ? or is it because i'm really not thinking about anything...

For some reason, I know that He planned for us to meet..just what move shall i make ? To go outing, seems like not in my favor at all...i believed there are many ways to reach that one path...perhaps, i should share my thoughts with him when i see him again...perhaps he'll call to ask me to join them...let see how it goes...

"Ya Allah, Kau permudahkanlah urusan mereka, tingkatkan kesabaran serta ketabahan mereka, berikan mereke kesihatan dan hidayah serta kesempurnaan dalam mengerjakan tanggungjawab mereka. Amin."

ONCE...32nd !

Alhamdulillah...meningkat dan harapan membawa kepada kebaikan. Berkat doa rakan2 dan keluarga, moga tabah menjalani hidup yang penuh pancaroba ini. Syukurku kepadaMu ya Allah kerana memberikan aku nikmat kesihatan, akal fikiran serta ketabahan dan kesabaran dalam menempuhi liku-liku hidup ini.

ONCE...in Sandakan

First time in Sandakan and I'm having problem to sleep. Dunno why. Isn't because of blunder that I made on Monday ? Partly I guess.

Sometimes, I don't know what exactly should I do. Should I stay on as requested ? Should I move on as expected ? Or should I just let Him give what best for me ? I can't just leave all to Him without making any efforts right ?

Sometimes, people wonder how I remains strong (or appear strong to me). Sometimes, I also wonder how do I managed to remain calms and appear as strong. Because sometimes, it really hits me. Felt like I can't bear it anymore. Can't bear to hear, to see, to feel and to think. But when I refused to hear, refused to see, ignore the feelings and shut my mind to think...it came back from nowhere and suddenly erupted my mind altogether. And most of the time, it turned out really ugly. For most of the time, I've to heal myself.

Perhaps, Allah really give me this kind of strength. That I can shutdown that part when it comes to serious matter which requires my full attention and concentration. Alhamdulillah.

words of wisdom from my latest book that I grabbed at KLIA "How The Mighty Fall by Jim Collins"

"Whether you prevail or fail, endure or die, depends more on what you do to yourself than on what the world does to you." -Jim Collins-

ONCE...syahdu

Pagi ini kerje aku bermula agak awal..mungkin terlalu awal. Kemudian, mesyuarat silih berganti. Namun, aku semacam puas. Sepertinya, sudah lama aku tidak mencerna minda untuk berfikir pantas, menjana idea dgn rakus serta menyampaikannya dengan semangat. Sudah agak lama minda ini tidak dicabar dengan bantahan-bantahan berkualiti.

Malam ku berakhir lewat. Namun, aku puas kerana selesai apa yang ingin diselesaikan hari ini. Dikala aku mula merasa sedikit gembira melayan kerenah kenalan baru, aku ditempelak seakan bermotifkan suka. Dan dikala aku memujuk hati kerana ditempelak sedemikian, hatiku memujuk sayu dirinya sendiri. Akan peranan aku untuk menceriakan. Umpama lilin yang membakar dirinya, agar insan lain bisa nikmati cahaya.

Dan dikesyahduan malam yang sepi ini. Merenung ke langit yang indah ciptaan Tuhan. Rasa hamba dan rendah menyedari dimana letaknya diri ini. Letaknya diri ini dalam situasi yang memilukan. Rendahnya diri ini disisiNya.

Maka apakah harus aku membiarkan diri ini pilu dalam drama ini ? Atau apakah aku harus persetankan semuanya ? Atau mengikut sahaja caturanNya dan berserah padaNya ?

Nukilan dan hakcipta terpelihara - NMD 14 Oct 2009

ONCE...full steam ahead !!!

Had a good meeting this morning...and all of us has to be in full gear. It'll start to be aggressive and perhaps hectic as well. It shall be an interesting new beginning...

ONCE...black Monday ?

It was quite a challenging Mon I must say. Being attacked from the beginning..almost everything I say has to be attacked first before rational kicks-in. Dunno what really hit me...why..? Few people noticed it.

Shared with my boss on the situation and the advice among other things was to bear with it. Increase the threshold, be patience and I will not be left there alone. On one angle, kinda overwhelm with the recognition and acknowledgement on my skills and capabilities to handle such a delicate project. On another angle, kinda sad as I can't pursue the area that I might be able to perform better. For now, need to collect myself back..plan properly and execute accordingly.

And as I'm about to collect myself, I got food poisoning and headache !!! Collapse the whole night and Tue as well. Missed Cradle's open house :( And when everything seems to be alright this morning, something 'bad' happen just 5 minutes before I reached office. Damn !!! Oh well..just bear with it...

ONCE...raya ngan anakanda

Weekend ari tu aku beraya ngan anak2. Terubat rindu selama ni. Cume ada mixed feelings with them. Seronok bila tgk diorang main, gelak2, manja2...tapi sedih bila mengenangkan apa yg dah dipasak dlm pemikiran diorang. Tambah ngan apa yg jadi baru2 ni buatkan aku lebih terusik.

Satu ketika aku tertanya2 kenapa ini semua terjadi...dan aku tertanya2 dimana aku yang dulu. Yang tenang dan sentiasa pasrah dengan keadaan...walaupun ada ketika aku memang tenang, terima seadanya, cume kadang2 aku tertanya2. Aku tak pernah bertanya sebelum ni.

Berat sgt ke dugaan aku kali ni ? Aku tau ada hikmah disebalik setiap ujian dan kejadian...apakah aku telah menjadi lemah ? Tak mungkin ! Kerana ujian yg diturunkan pastinya kerana aku boleh melaluinya...cume apakah jalan yang aku ambil ini yang terbaik ? Hanya Dia yang tahu segala2nya...

ONCE...LIFE

Life is a journey full of ups and downs The downs gave us experiences to move on and up The ups gave us confidence to strive and move further -haizam Sept 2009-

ONCE...satisfied ?

Malam tadi aku bersemuka untuk mendengar sendiri dan meluahkan sendiri supaya masing2 dpt mendengar dari mulut masing2. Alhamdulillah..walaupun tidak semua yang aku hajatkan masa solat hajat lepas maghrib tadi termakbul, tapi yang penting aku tenang, urusan dipermudahkan dan menerima semuanya dengan baik. Perbincangan tersebut juga menemui persetujuan yang harmoni.

Aku pun mulanya agak pelik bagaimana aku boleh setenang itu dalam menerima keputusan tersebut. Tapi aku percaya Allah sentiasa ada bersamaku, berkat doa yang dimakbulkan aku menerima ketenangan dan redha dengan ketentuanNya. Kupohonkan petunjuk dan hidayah dariNya agar aku menemui hikmah yang terselindung disebalik semua ini.

ONCE...shocking news !

Yesterday, I was told about the news. Quite old actually it started a day before Raya. It just arrived to me yesterday. I'm really puzzled on how it turned out that way as the things that was going all along was kinda smooth and good. Keep asking myself why was I being tested this way...like this.

Had a long chat with my brother few hours ago...I realized what I used to tell people to do..and what I used to practice myself which I didn't do it now. I'm supposed to thank Him...syukur with the test given to me. I know that there are blessings in disguise for whatever happen and I need to seek for it. I just forgot to syukur.

So, here I am..."syukur pada Allah kerana memberikan aku ujian ini yang pastinya mempunyai hikmah dan hidayah untuk aku meneruskan hidup ini..walaupun sukar dan pedih namun harus kutabahkan hati dan pasrah serta redha dengan takdir Ilahi"

I hope, I will get a chance to face or confront on this matter so that I know that I've make my effort and leave everything to Him.

ONCE...raya 20092009

Just realized that this year's raya fall on the 20 Sept 2009 (20.09.2009)...such a nice number. Spent time at Kg since late nite yesterday...fair to say about 24 hours ago...only slept after subuh..then woke-up at 9am, go to the market to pick-up the chicken...helped mom out with the chicken and onion and other stuffs for rendang...took a nap from 1pm till 3pm.

Then, cook the nasi himpit...buka puasa...then rendang...then chiffon cake...then the icing...of course the in-between meals...now waiting for my sister...and almost everybody still awake...felt soo good...of course I missed my kids...spoke to Nu'man..my daughter as usual blend into the kg thingy with her young aunts and cousins...anyway, Allah so Great that both Ila & Ira was soo manja with me...

This shall be one of the greatest Raya I've ever had...

ONCE...raya datang lagi..

Ingin mengucapkan Selamat Hari Raya dan Maaf Zahir Batin kepada rakan2 sekalian. Semoga lebaran ini mengungkap seribu keberkatan dan kerahmatan. Selamat beraya didesa, berhati-hati ketika memandu.

ONCE...dugaan Ramadhan

Ramadhan tahun ni pastinya berbeza dari Ramadhan yang lepas2...kali nie aku sahur sorang, buka sorang..terawih pun mostly sorang2. Kadang2 je berbuka dgn kawan2...hasilnya, berat aku turun 5kg hehehe...

Dugaan kali ini agak berlainan...namun aku pasrah...aku redha yang aku perlu usaha lebih untuk mendekatkan diri..tapi Ramadhan kali ini jugak aku dpt get in-touch balik dgn kawan2 yg dah lama aku tak dgr berita...mcm jebat, sahak...dan aku baru sedar betapa keciknya dunia ni dlm dunia siber...aku baru tau ada beberapa kawan yg ada kawan yg sama dgn aku...itulah ketentuan-Nya kan...

Baju raya aku tahun ni simple je...beraya ngan family kt kampung..lambat sikit baru dpt beraya ngan anak2...semoga pasrah menghadapi hari mendatang...

ONCE...tersedar !

Lepas terawih semalam fikiran aku melayang2. Mengenangkan semua yang terjadi lebih2 lagi sepanjang minggu ini. Dengan selesainya 1 Sept ari tu, membuat aku terpikir yg segalanya telah dipermudahkan.

Negotiation on agreement before that, which on that day itself i realized that changes made thus reducing the immediate transfer...then the process on that day itself...and few good news from my good friend.

Syukur Alhamdulillah...and dgn segala kejahilan aku baru teringat yg aku belum buat solat syukur sebab selesai ari tu...apa nak jadilah....apapun, better late than never...

ONCE...baik tau atau tak tau ?

Pagi tadi aku mendapat tahu sesuatu yang agak mencengkam jiwa. Bila difikirkan balik, memang aku jenis yang suka untuk tau daripada tak tau. Walaupun menyakitkan, tapi aku tau dan aku mungkin boleh berbuat sesuatu untuk memperbaiki keadaan yang aku tau tu. Dan setakat ni memang Alhamdulillah, aku memang boleh menangani perkara2 tersebut walau sakit macam mana sekalipun apa yang aku tau tu.

Tapi, apakah tiba masa untuk aku cuba untuk tak tau pulak ? Ke buat tak tau ? Apa impaknya ? Kalu cuba taknak tau...aku mungkin akan tau jugak akhirnya. Kalu buat tak tau, lain pulak jadinya.

So, baik tau ke tak tau ?

ONCE...selesai

Alhamdulillah...pagi tadi dah selesai semuanya. Ermmm...pengesahannye la...nak mendapatkan dokumen2 semua mungkin lagi 4-6 minggu. Cam tak paham gak apa yang lama sangat, tapi ntahlah...camne nak maju.

Apa pun, syukur kehadrat Allah kerana hari ini telah dipermudahkan untuk tujuan ini. Bermula dengan SPN yang berjaya disiapkan pagi tadi sebelum pukul 9 pagi, dan pendengaran keputusan yang berlangsung dengan aman. Alhamdulillah....

ONCE...challenging

It's been a week after I came back. Lots of things happen, good and bad. With ongoing Ramadhan, the challenges has been quite interesting and demanding as well. Is today the most challenging ? Perhaps...based on the scenario of the challenges.

Please God guide me. To all my dear Muslim friends...Selamat Berpuasa.

ONCE...things happen for a reason !

Today, all the delegates arrived from KL. And we were treated for dinner by our partner here at Kiruni Restaurant. Guess what ? It was the restaurant-in-the-jungle that I bumped into on Sat during my exploration in the woods ! Things happen for a reason right ? Just that today, there was no POLAR BEAR mascott :( I had planned to take picture with him as the car turned to where I came out that day...perhaps, he had returned to the Artic as it's too sunny here since Sunday hahahahaha...

ONCE...nice weather

Yesterday was not soo sunny. It rains almost whole day...sky was dark. Rain quite heavy in the afternoon...I managed to go out at 2pm. But today was different ! I woke up at 8am and it was sunny skies. No cloud at all. Had my breakfast, that I'm on my foot at 11am with inner shirt and short-sleeve black t-shirt.

Me at the Rohnidyns'ka vul

When I tested the sun this morning, it's typical summer...the sun doesn't mean a thing. It's windy and quite chilled. But, as I walked..the sun was right above me and I felt some heat. Guess I'll be tanner once I'm back...there goes my plan to be a little bit fairer. Yesterday's was really challenging...was walking in the woods at Khreschatyi Park. I was walking without knowing where does it end...where would I came out. Till I found a building...and near the fence I saw white hairy thing ! Quite big !

Restaurant in the Jungle with Polar Bear

I felt relieved to know that it's a restaurant. Quite exclusive I guess. Then, it took quite a walk to get to Dynamo Stadium. I bummed into an archery post where the guy was shaking his head when I asked him how to go to Dynamo Stadium. He looked at my shoes and gave me the direction. And only today that I noticed that the map does show the route that I took. If only I noticed it earlier. I walked about 3 hours yesterday..about same time on Fri nite and again today.

But, today not so much walking. I spend about 3 hours at the park alone...reading ! I was at the park at Tereschenkivs'ka vul, near T. Shevchenko University. The steets was filled with half a dozen of museums.

Me in-front of T. Shevchenko University

After finishing my book which I bought 4 days ago, I make my way heading back to the hotel. As I glanced at the map, am interested to check out the Museum of Science and Natural History. When I arrived there, I almost resign from going in. The emblem says "National Geological Museum" and another "Institute of Geology"...nothing on science !!! But, what the heck ! Paid 15 uah, and I spent about an hour in there. Quite interesting ! At the Birds section, they preserved lots of birds...and they tag bears the year. Some dated like 1728...but I'm not sure wheather the bird was preserved that old or it was first found that year. Lemme improve the language then perhaps, I get better picture.

Owl at the museum

Mammoth. Other dinasours' bones are available too.

Small aquarium at the Sea section. Beautiful corals isn't it ?

These is supposed to be one picture...dunno how to merge it in Blogger and I'm not good at manipulating pictures. This is the picture of ancient city of Kiev (i guess hahahaha).

Then, I head back to the hotel. The pic below was taken yesterday.

It's the Monument of Independence at Khreschatyk vul. The road was closed during weekends and there's lots of people there. Some showing their dancing skills, some singing, etc. Creative ways to get some money

The best one for me today was this pic...

'Running sign' ? I dunno what it means..seen few of this here.

My Berahims are running out quite fast. The delegates are coming next week. Just now, wanted to do some ironing, so I requested for iron board and iron. Apparently, they don't send you one. There's an ironing room ! And guess what ?! It was besides my room hahahaha. Done with my ironing...wanna take some shower afterwards...and get ready to bed.

Da Svedaniya !

ONCE...not soo summer

It's 22C on a day and about 17C at nite. Yesterday, I walked 3 hours, all the major and minor roads...based on the map collected at the hotel. Regained my cyrillic which i planned to polish while i'm here.

I planned to go to the park today...spend some time reading...then look for some souveniers before head back to the hotel. Will be spending the nite in the hotel reading and polishing.

Had quite interesting experiences yesterday. In here, you might find money wrapped in plastic bag on the street. But, don't you ever...ever take it !!! Even if you see that it's dropped from the guy in-front of you. It's a scam ! If you take, and tried to return it to the guy, he will say there's another package and accused you of taking it. Then, a cop (his friend actually) will appear and they will start talking and you don't understand a word...the cop will asked for you passport and wallet...and they will take whatever in your wallet (since of course, you don't want the hassle to go to the police station in this foreign country).

It does happen to me that way yesterday. Someone suddenly walked besides me...then with a surprised expression, he collected the money. I just walked like no body's business and after a while i looked back. Nothing happen to him ! It happened twice. Either these guys are really lucky to walk away with those money...or they're part of it.

Another one, this guy talked to me and I only managed to pick-up "..cigarette..". So, I said I don't understand but here you go. You know what ? He repeated himself in English (that time he has held the cigarette and i'm ready to light it up for him). I said "it's fine..you can take it...". Then I get my ass out of there...

Well...hungry...makan time !!!

ONCE...demanding ?

Am I too demanding ? Was it too hard to understand what I want, what I feel and what I expect ? Or has I turned to be a person that is too demanding...sometimes unnecessary and even unthinkable that I don't even believe myself behaving like that.

Hmmmmmm.................

ONCE...Auny's Birthday

Last sat was Auny's birthday. I brought them to watch Ice Age 3...they loved it soo much. Then, have some Baskin Robbin and head to Popular to find her birthday present. I wanted to give her a book that she wants.

She said she wanted to be a scientist (must be the microscope that I bought her last month). When I asked her why...as usual 'Don't know !' was her answer. I thought, never mind...if she wants to be a scientist, I'll guide her to be one. Then we looked for a science related book...quite heavy though the books that I found...even it's pictorial but would blow the interest. So, I bought one that is quite simple...and told her to read thru then by next week we'll discuss.

Well...had great time with them...until late afternoon when she bombarded me with so many questions. Hmmm....

ONCE...9th July 2009 !!!

That day suppose to be D-Day ! Took 2 days leave (but the other half-day considered gone as I went to this tender briefing). That day, went smooth initially...as decision about to be made..in fact, it has been concluded, decision has been reached..just waiting for the announcement.

As the honorable person started his opening for the decision, this one person interrupted. Made the honorable person annoyed and postponed the decision. WTF ?!!! I'm really speechless at that time. I just want to get it over with so that it's clear for both parties.

I prayed the night before and on that morning so that everything went smooth. I thanked God as the decision about to be announced...guess He wants me to be patience a little bit longer...

ONCE...finally ?

I received the notice today...Insya-Allah next mon will be official and final.  I must say I'm shocked to see the 'demand'.  Took me a while before I can calm down myself.  In the afternoon, received a message that those are just standard and we shall discuss on mon peacefully.  Am glad...I hope everything would be in peace and harmony.

ONCE...English as compulsary subject for SPM ?

This is the latest news that is debated extensively among the academicians, policy makers, politicians and citizens.  It is really delicate to me.  The comments from some people also make me wanna puke.

Why they have to use '...students environment especially rural areas, estate will make it harder for them to learn english..the environment does not support...'.  What the heck man ?!!!  I believed they should think further on how to create the environment in those areas.  Perhaps, few NGOs or voluntary groups can go to those areas and coach or guide the students and perhaps the community at that area as well.  Govt should allocate some funds for such activities be it via govt agencies or funds for NGOs to do their work.

Witholding such decision will only held the country back.  We're already lacking and behind time in meeting the Vision 2020 (developed country), now we wanna slow down ?  We need to think more on how to resolve and mitigate the potential problems and not stalling the progress by stopping good initiatives.

ONCE...signoffs !!!

Alhamdulillah...last Thu 30 Apr 2009 was really something.  Had a great meeting in the morning till noon.  Then I received a call asking me to go to Putrajaya if I want it to get the signoff.  Otherwise, I need to wait for another month !

Rushed to Putrajaya..waited for an hour.  Then she came and asked for the documents.  Told her that it was with her.  Waited another 1/2 hour for her staffs to look for the documents.  Help the PA to put the sticker and then I showed her each page that she needed to sign.  Hehehe..she complaint that its too many to be signed (I did told her to exercise her hand as there's a lot to be signed...).

Shared the good news with the people back in the office...and next, they can start working to get the payment.  Finally...few mils coming to MB's coffers..yeay !

ONCE...nightmare ?

Had a nightmare last nite.  Woke-up at 4.30 am...then kinda afraid to sleep as when I just closed my eyes (not even sleep yet), it kinda continued.  But, since it's still far from dawn, nuthin la kut.

Had a good start in the morning (yesterday)...around 10 am received unpleasant news..but it's manageable (just need to be there..that's the problem). At 11 am another unpleasant but managed to sort it out (at least from my view at that time).  11.40 am really had a bad news !!!  Made me feel bad for the rest of my day (till now !!!).

Went to LP but couldn't find her.  'Meeting with Director' as her SMS replied.  The 'bad news' became milder at noon and at around 5 pm seems like back to normal.  But, I've got another troubling news...decided to do it remotely instead of doing it in the office.

Somehow...the 'bad news' turned really ugly around 8pm...being asking myself on what went wrong.  Does it has to be that way ?  I don't want it to be that way...and I don't want to lose it at all...how hard and how painful...I'd make it up...as it is too precious for me...

ONCE...tpt orang

Tengah bulan Mac ari tuh aku pergi ke Eropah Timur...ada keje skek...ni la baru dpt kumpul gambar2 yang nak dipostkan...sekadar memoir ahaks...

Minum kopi ngan makan pastry kat Amsterdam...mmg purposely pegi situ utk minum kopi jek...hehehehe....

Pemandangan malam di Crishatic Road (entah betul ke idak ngejanye)..sejuknye nauzubillah..max dlm 3 Celcius jek...telinga sampai naik beku lah kirenye..hari ke-4 baru dpt beli glove...tahan la sikit...topi yg buleh tutup tinga tu ada nak beli kat adidas..belakang itu kad tarak lepas (besoknya aku taruk la itu bank..debit card maa...not empty somemore...) belakang gua beli topi kampung punya...gerai kat metro station...jadiksla kan...

Ini la pejabat sementara gua...mmg seminggu tuh bertie dan berkot jelah...jenuh menepis awek2 tempatan yang ingin berkenalan (hahaha..perasan poyo !)

Pemandangan unik...tak tau la sebab apa yg depa bubuh mangga bebanyak nih...membacanya buleh..paham je belum..nanti la kalu pegi lagi insya-Allah dah buleh paham..tanya org situ dah tak reti cakap omputih plak..menariknya tpt depa nih, bersih...park dia terjaga...satu puntung rokok pun takde...depa betul2 jaga la..mana yg smoke tuh...duduk tepi dustbin, buang dlm tong sampah...

Malam sebelum balik tuh...depa bawak tengok ballet kat National Opera House...Swan Lake...kirenye terkenal lah...pertama kali teman nengok ballet nih...kabornye, kat Mesia nih takde ballet performance cenggitu...ada pun setakat nari2 ballet budak2 sekolah...satu jek yg teman geli nengok ballet nih...seluar lelakinye...ish...

Tak tau la nampak ke tak...gua punya nampak...nih dah nak balik...was snowing...patutnya dah abis winter..tapi Allah Maha Kaya, dia kata snow...maka snow lah iye....

Nak balik dah la nih...dasat tak opis teman..? Siap ada bendera ngan peta sekali...kat mesia pun tarak camni hehehhe....

Time nak balik...snowing the whole day...pastu dpt lak jalan2 kat taman bersalji....kirenye impian terlaksana sudah...nak pegi time winter and tgk snow...ingat dpt kat Korea ari tuh..belakang dpt kat Eropah Timur...Alhamdulillah....

ONCE...loosing my steam ?

This week has been really challenging.  From Mon till today...i know that late for meeting is not forgivable especially the kind of customer I'm managing (cardinal sin according to my HoS)...and late to come to project office is another.  Punctuality !

Tue, kinda down knowing the fact that I need to change.  As much as I hated it, I have no choice but to join the paradigm which is to 'cover your ass' and 'the hell with others as long as my ass is covered'.  Pretty fucked-up mentality but that's the reality.  It's hurt when all the good things that you've done...for years...gone just for one (I like to call it simple or silly) mistakes.  

Today, I really felt like loosing the steam.  If not for the interest of the customer and the nation on the project that I'm managing...I might have just walk-off.  Suddenly I'm seriously thinking about updating my resume and start flying it around.  I hate to do it...and hate to think about covering my ass first in doing my work...but once it has impacted my reputations...I guess I better do something before it is really to late.

ONCE...syukur !

I came back to Malaysia on 24 Mar 2009...suddenly received calls on my previous project...seems like having a big issue.  Then, I get myself waiting by the street till my friend fetch me to Putrajaya.  I asked the guy on what exactly the issue...to my (not so) surprise..there's none.  We waited for the HoS to arrive then we started the meeting.  Few things that I need to do, but it went well.  

Went back to office that noon, prepared some documents and then proceed for Appreciation Dinner hosted by the company.  Since all the bosses are there (expected already), updated them on the trip, the outcome and the fun that we had hehehe...

That nite also I had some shocking news.  Eventhough some of it was expected...and some within my plan...but didn't think that it might happen sooner than I thought.  Did hope for some time but guess it's best to just do it.  And Allah Maha Kaya, Maha Pemurah dan Maha Mengetahui.  Met my long lost friend and it helped alot.  Dipermudahkan urusan...syukur Alhamdulillah.

ONCE...sejuk woi !!!

It's been almost a week since I arrived here.  Finally, I felt the winter experiences...eventhough it's coming to an end, but still...got wet snow yesterday..and my first shadow as well.  Was getting about 1-4 C in the day and perhaps -1 C at nite.

Yesterday we finished earlier..so we walked at the park, ride the train and had dinner at Arabic restaurant.  The day before we had egg curry and it really made us warmer.  Perhaps, we will go there again tonite.

It's interesting to see their culture..the way they work, the way they dress and the way they communicate and behave.  Like old saying, "Jauh perjalanan, luas pemandangan".  Alhamdulillah, my wish to have a winter experience (eventhough didn't get the snow experience yet), but Insya-Allah kalu ada rezeki...dpt la...

ONCE...I'm losing my breath !

This week has been quite a week.  Been running here and there, chasing people from multiple sites.  Been walking alot too (soon I'll get slimmer..hahaha..).  Alhamdulillah, things has worked out fine.  Flights, hotels, winter clothes, arrangements, visas, currencies and docs.  Now just need to go back and pack slowly.

Bit tired (errr alot actually) but it has been both interesting and challenging.  Tomorrow, spend some time with the kids...then evening head to KLIA.  Guess, I just catch up with my resting on the plane.

ONCE...roasted !

It was 4 Mar.  Received long SMS from boss, arrived at SH at around 1 am.  He's damn serious this time.  Being grilled till 4 am and I've a meeting at 9 in Semarak.  When I decided previously, shared with closed friends esp boss and I've peaceful mind.  Clear direction and plan on how to move forward.  But after being grilled, i felt my head so heavy.  I think that is what people called 'stress'.

On the 5 Mar, he called for a 'brilliant idea'!  I said we talked once I arrived.  He shared the logic and basically he wanted me to go back.  I can see that it impacted him alot, he's not ready, he felt guilty and responsible eventhough I explained that he has no part at all in the whole thing.

But I decided to close my eyes and just follow his advice when RE shared that he's going to quit his MBA.  Damn ! I would feel guilty my whole life man ! It's not what I wanted.  Too many people that I love are at stake with my decision.  He was soo happy when I told him about my decision.  That nite with Pak Ngah lasted till 3 am.  My head was soo heavy and I just don't know why.  Friday nite, dinner with him...talked about the issue..felt a little relieved (had 3 hours sleep before that).  No doubt, my decision break lots of hearts.

Spend the weekend at Kg, came back...my heart not in its peaceful state.  Then I know that it doesn't work.  I tried to put it at ease, but I just can't.  As mom's advice, technicalities...then we talked.  Kinda agreed, amicably and harmony.

Arrived at SH at 1am last nite (or rather this morning), grilled again.  Till 5 am.  Only manage to fall asleep at around 6 plus and woke-up at 3 pm !!!  Seriously, kinda lost.  Know what I want, believed its the best...saw the consequences...seing the plan and believed that I can execute it well.

Above all that, I prayed to God to guide me, to give me strength to endure all this.  No doubt, one after another bombshell keep coming to me...is it a test for my failure ?  Is it a test to see whether I prevail ?  Ya Allah...guide me please...

ONCE...interesting day

It is really an interesting day today.  Started early morning...did the '20 minutes plan' thingy but with the results today...either need to be perfected or poor planning altogether.

The meeting in the morning was cancelled, then got invitation for the appreciation lunch.  Am cracking my head on what did I do in between of that.  Man !!! Time really flies today.  Lunch went well with some exciting news (ermm...or gather hints on the news), after that it started to rumble a bit.  Misunderstood on one meeting in MV.  Rushed there and facing the cold faces from few people.  I was thinking that my good performance might go to the drain.

Talked with the CEO, hearing his gruntings, convinced him to give me a chance to prove that we can meet his expectations, then head back to HQ.  Had a chat with the boss...being adviced and reprimanded (in a very suttle way).  Luckily on the rumble at MV he's ok with it.  Assured him that I'll do as what I promised to the CEO then went to the 2nd boss.  Again backed by him, now I know how to play the game.

On the news, it's very exciting.  Just the timing wasn't sure.  Anyway, life is great...! Allah is The Most Greatest !

ONCE...all is done ?

It was early Wed (25 Feb) morning...too early that either people are supposed to be sleeping or not supposed to be awake at all.  I said it all that morning, the intention, the thinking and most importantly...the decision.  Earlier seems like well...but then it's not quite as expected.  And that incident kinda close any chance of closing the gap and trying again.

I had enough i guess.  For the best of all, I believed that's the best solution.  Have tried so many ways, bearing it for as long as I can remember...and with much thinking and trying...I've lost all the steams to move on.  Thinking further just made my head heavier, trying to figure out the light at the end of the tunnel that never seems to come out.

As much as I want to get it over with, I have to hold on for just a little while.  I guess, Mar 2009 will decide...whether it'll be over...or better.  For now...I apologize to all that affected...it's my bad...I'm really really sorry...

ONCE...hmmm...

Many things happen since 13 Feb...all the way over the weekend...wanna share it here but dunno how & where to start...best of all...can't really share it  :(   be it good or bad, has to swallow it alone...

man...do i love or hate my job ? hmmm...