ONCE...ID4

4th of July is the Independence Day for USA.  For me, that day in 2019 is the day that I signed for something that I never imagined before.  By signing means I owe that much...and also perhaps I have something worth that much as well.  Even on the dotted lines...I'm still contemplating.  But well...it is already 5 days after the fact...means I signed it anyway.

Guess it started when I was asked to lead my own team this year.  Many discussions went by since Nov 2018...expectations on both sides was tabled.  Then, in Feb I approached them to say my disappointment.  Apparently, there was a request from high above that I changed/improved few things:

1. attire - no more T-shirts no matter how cool it may seems
2. punctuality - I had my arguments but never mind
3. language - I must behave and no longer use harsh (vulgar?) words in my email

I take it as a challenge then...even I was impressed with my attendance 😅.  The conditions was for 2 months.  In April I was given a letter...but I turned it back as my expectation was not met.  I refused to take the offer.  On the same day, I got what I sought for (unfortunately at 500 discount..demmit!).  After that we are off to Bukit Tinggi for our so-called Off-site Meeting.  It was sweet and lovely hahahaha...

ONCE...SERIK

Serik dengan apa jadi 2018 aku pindah awal tahun haritu...kembali duduk umah tinggi with better security...I hope.  Surprisingly enough this area is quite quiet at night...calm and peaceful.  Dari balkoni boleh dengar bunyi katak dan cengkerik...dah macam kat kampung lak rasanya.  View pun cantik dan menenangkan.

Keadaan ini membuatkan aku mula terpikir nak duduk sini terus.  Thanks to Ron yang tolong aku dapatkan umah sewa ni...ngan dia pun tak berapa ramai kawan...dan yang paling best sekali...dekat dengan customer aku.  Dalam 20 minit aku boleh sampai Putrajaya kira best gile kut.  Gi opis pun walaupun jem at least 1/2 jam sampai.  Cume lecehnye celah mana gerak pun ada tol haih...

Suasana aman camni kadang buat aku terpikir pasal serik satu lagi.  Serik nak sayang orang...serik nak start balik...trauma barangkali.  Terutamanya trauma famili tak terima sebab status aku.  Rata-rata kawan-kawan faham dan suruh aku sabar dan jangan putus asa...sorang je kawan aku; Poklan, bagi nasihat yang lain dari yang lain.

Poklan tanya aku satu jek..."keje serik tak ?"...aku terus terkesima dengar soalan tu.  Dan ntah tak semena-mena macam terbukak lak nak kenal orang.  Cuma sorang out sebab aku pantang disamakan dengan orang lain...sorang lagi lak macam tarik tali.  Nampak memang macam jadi tapi ngelak bila ditanya...kang aku ada orang lain jangan cakap aku curang lak kan huahuahua...

Apa pun...aku bia masa yang menentukan...hati ni pun cam belum ready nak sayang orang betul2...suka ada...nak develop jadi sayang macam lambat...serik malas trauma takut semua ada...ntahlah...keje dlu lah...meet no dulu then baru pikir...adios.

ONCE...kena lagi

12 Dec 2018 meninggalkan satu kenangan yang sayu dan pilu dalam hatiku.  Minggu tu aku cuti sambil kekononnya nak buat planning untuk 2019...memang takde kemana duk umah jek.  Rabu tu decided main golf...siap singgah opis dlu (rindu tak masuk opis gamaknya).

Jam 6.30 petang ada 3 missed calls from Fazli (jiran)...hati aku dah tak sedap...biasa BUGC ke PALAM tu dalam sejam max la...tapi on that day it took me 2 1/2 hours...atas highway jalan tak banyak kete yet I'm driving at 60 kmh kat lane paling kiri...sayu beno hati nengok ke langit mengenangkan nasib.

Sampai dirumah kompom...60" tv...golf set kat hall...laptop (with 11 yrs of work)...kat atas pulak my pouch with semua paspot dan matawang asing kenangan termasuklah kunci spare kete aku kene rembat...sayunye bab keje tu...hdd movies and backup keje situ...and gelang pusaka sekali...Allah je tau perasaanku time tu.  Aku hanya mampu bersyukur atas ujian...pasti ada salah aku yg diuji macamni.

Aku nekad taknak duduk PALAM...dua hari lepas kejadian aku angkat kaki pindah duk seberang jauh dari PALAM...dengan cadangan untuk jual umah ni.  Sepanjang aku duduk sini...3 kali kene pecah...and in 2018 alone, 2 kali in 3 months...aku serik.

Apakah mungkin 2019, Dia mahukan aku bermula baru; rumah...kerja...hidup, start from scratch again...?

ONCE...all said and done

It all started in Apr after such a wonderful week...a trust was lost.  It was unbearable that I don't think I can follow through anymore.  I tried to give it some time to really thought it through but then again...same think happen.

I gave face to learn to live which unfortunately I found out it was not understood.  The intention was wrongly accepted that I had to explain it numerous times.  I know things happen partly due to me but I believed this is for the best.  I wanna do it in a nice way...in peace...in harmony...however as a normal human being I can only plan.

Long story short, I said it at the end of Sept 2018...and all hell broke loose.  Syukur that I'm still alive.  I told myself to stay low for a while...kinda traumatized with the whole events.  Let time heals...eventually...