ONCE...wordless

I've no perfect words to describe what I'm feeling right now...facing a situation that given a chance, i can make it good...i know and i believed i can...and i will...

But the chance was not given...it was taken without me knowing...i've no forum to justify and explain...just facing the consequences and start thinking about the future...

Where shall I go...?

ONCE...feelings

why must assumptions and ill-feelings comes to my mind..?

why can't i think of situational difficulties faced that prevents the needs..?

is it because of unfinished and uncleared business..?

or has the faith and confidence started fading..?

ONCE...di perantauan (3)

Minggu ni agak kelam...berita2 yang aku dengar, kebanyakannya meruntun jiwa dan perasaan. Syukur ada rakan2 yang memahami dan membantu menenangkan aku...hampir saja aku terjerumus kekancah yang tidak dpt aku gambarkan...

Namun, kerap jua fikiran ini melayang...mengenangkan apakah salah dan dosaku..? apakah salah fikiran dan tindakanku..? dimanakah salahnya diriku ini..? apakah jenis ujian yang ditimpakan...sementelah jatuh ditimpa tangga..dipatuk ayam pula..diberak kapur disudu angsa..

apakah hikmah dan pengajaran disebalik insiden2 ini ? hmmm....

ONCE...di perantauan (2)

umah aku ada ramai...makan alhamdulillah..takde masalah langsung..sampai aku pulak yg naik segan..yelah, bangun jek sarapan dh siap..bila balik je sume sibuk2 kt dapur..aku pun sibuk la jugak...sibuk nyembang...sume org ada part, masak siap makan...pastu adalak yg kemaskan...aduss...

overall, alhamdulillah..umah satu kepala...mmg dicaturkan camtu pun...cabaran pun tak kurang hebat kat sini..mujur la rakan2 ada membantu...sungguhpun dari segi moral...itu lebih dari cukup sebenarnya...heat dari semenanjung pun sampai juga kat sini..kire cuaca yang sejuk nyaman ni terasa jugak la bahangnya bila disinar cahaya matahari..

aku harap dan aku doakan semoga matahariku terus bersinar..sungguhpun awan mendung sekali sekala, semoga ianya sentiasa bersinar selamanya...

ONCE...di perantauan

Well, kalu nak ikutkan dah selalu pun datang ke bumi sederhana beku nih..cume kali ni lama sikit duduknya. Setakat ni cuaca malam dlm 5C and siang kalu xde matahari dlm 14C, kalu ada matahari dlm 18C. Sejuk lagi la...sume orang pakai jaket lagi. Volcano melanda and sume rakan2 tergendala...melangut la sorang2 kat sini tunggu diorang sampai.

Membelakangi Sungai Dnipro

pemandangan musim bunga dari kamar

sarapan orang bujang sambil menikmati pemandangan musim bunga

Semalam, dapat makan nasi ngan serunding jek, itu pun 2 pinggan gak la. And lunch tadi, layan Tom Yam Kung kat Pranada Plaza...kire ok la..cume aku nak rasa pedas but disappointed. What can you expect in this part of the world right ?

ONCE...lebih baik diam..

secara jujurnya, aku tak tau macam mana harus diluahkan rasa hati ini. terasa begitu terpukul apabila menyedari yang aku tiada siapa disisi. segala yang dikatakan bagus, budi menggunung melangit tinggi, namun, tika badai datang melanda, kita cume jaga diri sendiri. budi yang menggunung tinggi ranap sekelip mata dan yang kelihatan hanyalah arang-arang hitam yang busuk dan perlu dijauhi.

mengapa ketika itu bisa membuat kita lupa kawan atau lawan ? madu atau racun ? dosa atau pahala ? mengapakah aku masih belum memahatkan dikepala bahawa manusia itu begitu ? apakah dengan melampiaskan kemarahan kepada mereka dapat menyedarkan mereka ? atau hanya mengeruhkan lagi suasana ? apakah harus aku pergi ? bagi menjaga hati yang kian tipis dihiris berkali-kali ?

.......

ONCE...ujian lagi..?!!

Today perhaps is the most trying test I've ever gotten. Felt so low...felt so down. And I hated that feeling and how I behaved.

If lifelong learning = learn, unlearn and relearn...should i think, unthinking and rethink ? Should I..? Why did I behave like that ? Why did I get 'that' in return ? What went wrong actually ? Why it never happen before ?

When pressure is too much to handle, guess it affect how people behave and react. Am I not aware of my own colors ? Or am I ignorant ? Or what had happen especially the past few years changed me ? Or perhaps....I simply don't have a clue....

ONCE...ujian bulan Mac 2010I

Bulan ini agak banyak ujian yg aku terima. In fact, last week was the most pressing time for me. My patience, my emotions and my confidence was tested to the max. I almost lost what I treasured the most.

Kadang2, kejujuran itu membunuh. Dan apabila kepercayaan itu mula pudar, biar atas dasar yang agak remeh...agak sukar untuk mendapatkannya kembali. Aku kena selalu ingat bahawa manusia mudah lupa (aku pun la sekali). Ketika tenang, semua perkara bagus dan cantik. Tapi dikala sempit, silap sedikit membawa padah. Diketika itu, segala kebaikan dan kebagusan hilang sementelah kesilapan yang sedikit. Keuntungan jangka panjang juga kadang2 tidak kelihatan kerana keadaan semasa yang lebih mendesak.

Maka, apa yang harus dilakukan ? Bertahan ? Bersabar ? Telan ? Redha ? Learn...and relearn...in fact, unlearn and relearn.

Semalam sekali lagi diuji...tatkala segalanya dijangkakan lancar..masih ada halangan. masih ada dugaan...LIFE IS GREAT !!!

ONCE...reprimand

It has been ups and downs since Feb..in fact since 2010. And as I thought things has gone smooth, there's always something missing and overlooked. And today, I was caught off guard ! Being reprimand...! And as I tried to redeem myself, being hurt after that.

Well, as usual...I take it as my fault. Was asked to give reasons but there's none that is satisfying and I don't wanna give reasons just for the sake of covering my ass. Especially to this person. It's bad when name and reputation at stake...and if I don't really protect it, I might loose it.

Why did I slip that in the first place ? *sigh*

ONCE...sweet Sunday

It was a sweet and memorable Sunday. If Izad and his family is there it'll be much more interesting. All gather for lunch, chit-chat, laughters...then followed with Choc Indulgence for both pakcik & Ery. Then, head home...

Hope it'll always be this way...forever...

ONCE...sepetang with Pakcik Isa

Semalam aku singgah jumpa Pakcik Isa..dah lama aku tak jumpa. Dalam perjalanan balik dari kampung, aku singgah. Dan seperti biasa, perbincangan hangat (atau lebih pada satu hala la cam biasa) tentang perkembangan dunia dan negara.

Satu ketika dia tanya apa yang aku cari..dan aku kata BAHAGIA. "Tempuh derita, pasti jumpa bahagia" katanya. Selebihnya, untuk aku kupas sendiri dan intipati perbualan sebagai mengimbas atau mengingati semula semua pesanan dan ajaran. "Sedang dididik lagi menyeman, ini pulak terbiau" memang tepat untuk aku. Dan kata-kata yang aku tak ingin lupakan dan aku abadikan disini...

Kepalang tukang, kayu binasa

Kepalang pemerintah, negara binasa

Kepalang ulama, negara binasa

Bidalan melayu yang dalam maknanya...yang perlu diamati dan dihayati oleh semua untuk dijadikan iktibar dan panduan dalam hidup dan kerjaya...baik yang menuruti maupun yang dituruti.

ONCE...2010

2010...new year...started with mixed feelings. Had great time actually during new year's eve...watched fireworks..had a good chat and fabulous companion. Where does it lead to..? For now..I don't know...hope God shows me the way and guide me.

Weekend mostly filled with work...great way to start new year eh ? Been working the whole Sat & Sun...in fact yesterday till 3am..need to do ironing some more..hands ironing and brain exploring..thinking or even dreaming...slept at 4.30am and woke-up at 8am...

During the weekend, I've got mixed feelings...things that I thought was right...and accepted suddenly overturned. Some extend I don't understand why. But again, we're human. Sometimes we forget...we have expectations..and that lead us to depression and frustration.

What I learned from last year is not to have any expectations. That reduce the chance of being hurt and disappointed. That doesn't mean you don't need to have aims. Aim and work hard towards it. God's willing...you will get what you're aiming for...

ONCE...snowing and -17C

I'm here again..almost 2 weeks already. This time I traveled light as my colleague told me (before he returned to Kiev) that it's still 15c. Sick of getting my luggage lock broke, I brought 1 hand-carry luggage with my notebook bag. Things I bring (including the one 1 wear tht day):

1. 1 long-sleeve shirt
2. 1 black pant
3. 1 jeans (501 of course)
4. 1 short
5. 2 short-sleeve round-neck t-shirts
6. 2 short-sleeve collared t-shirts
7. 1 long-sleeve round-neck t-shirt
8. 1 sweater
9. 1 sport jacket (malaysian one..not for winter)
10. 3 pairs of socks
11. 10 briefs (dun wanna buy again)
12. 1 pair of black shoe
13. 1 pair of sport shoe
14. 1 pair of winter glove (bought in mar 2009)
15. 1 winter hat (kgb style bought in mar as well)

In front of my apartment..1st winter jacket

Felt the coldness in Schipol and I put on my sweater and jacket. In Borispol, I'm freezing in the bus to the terminal and while waiting for the car ! Lucky the apartment has central heater. My colleague here told me that the temperature just drop a day before I arrived. And the day I arrived, it's snowing. Kinda bringing them the possibility of having white Christmas hehehe..

After futsal ngan sorang melayu ngalahkan mat saleh pakai short tgh2 snow..

My friend sold me one of his long-john and the next day, at 2C..I can't stand it anymore and bought my first (and only i guess) winter jacket. On sale now so got it cheap. There weather also made wanna quite smoking as it is freaking cold. It was -10C on Mon, and I don't dare to freeze my fingers just to puff 'em. But yesterday was bad ! :( I walked out from home and didn't feel as cold..my fingers seems okey. I thought I've acclimatized well..so I bought a new pack. Apparently, it was -4C yesterday..but today it's -17C !!!

Snow gettin thicker..survived with my winter coat & shoes

Owh, another stuff that helped me survive, my first (and only again) winter shoe which i bought on Sun. Before lunch I asked my colleague here for souvenir shops nearby as to go to Kreshatik would be quite far. There's one at the Metro station, but he didn't offer to go there with me at all. He normally would go lunch with me..so I guess he don't wanna walk 15 minutes in that weather. So, I walked there..and really challenging with the winds...sun helps a bit. Can't really feel the warmness but seeing it kinda gave me warmth. On the way back, had lunch at the pizza restaurant..had salmon steak and americano then head back to office.

One thing for sure when I return home..is to have nasi lemak and teh tarik...and KFC (err this one has been long overdue..b4 i came here..and here of course..not halal..)...can't wait to be home...

ONCE...empty ?

Had dinner last nite when suddenly two men asked me to join their table...looks like tabligh guys..me with my short hehe..and true enough, they started their pitch and i just nod the entire conversation...he admitted that nodding may not be positive..but i just reserved my comments..

At one point he asked me, "what's in your heart now ? because when I observed you, you look like full of emptiness"...and i just laugh my heart out...is it really appear on my face ? or is it because i'm really not thinking about anything...

For some reason, I know that He planned for us to meet..just what move shall i make ? To go outing, seems like not in my favor at all...i believed there are many ways to reach that one path...perhaps, i should share my thoughts with him when i see him again...perhaps he'll call to ask me to join them...let see how it goes...

"Ya Allah, Kau permudahkanlah urusan mereka, tingkatkan kesabaran serta ketabahan mereka, berikan mereke kesihatan dan hidayah serta kesempurnaan dalam mengerjakan tanggungjawab mereka. Amin."

ONCE...32nd !

Alhamdulillah...meningkat dan harapan membawa kepada kebaikan. Berkat doa rakan2 dan keluarga, moga tabah menjalani hidup yang penuh pancaroba ini. Syukurku kepadaMu ya Allah kerana memberikan aku nikmat kesihatan, akal fikiran serta ketabahan dan kesabaran dalam menempuhi liku-liku hidup ini.

ONCE...in Sandakan

First time in Sandakan and I'm having problem to sleep. Dunno why. Isn't because of blunder that I made on Monday ? Partly I guess.

Sometimes, I don't know what exactly should I do. Should I stay on as requested ? Should I move on as expected ? Or should I just let Him give what best for me ? I can't just leave all to Him without making any efforts right ?

Sometimes, people wonder how I remains strong (or appear strong to me). Sometimes, I also wonder how do I managed to remain calms and appear as strong. Because sometimes, it really hits me. Felt like I can't bear it anymore. Can't bear to hear, to see, to feel and to think. But when I refused to hear, refused to see, ignore the feelings and shut my mind to think...it came back from nowhere and suddenly erupted my mind altogether. And most of the time, it turned out really ugly. For most of the time, I've to heal myself.

Perhaps, Allah really give me this kind of strength. That I can shutdown that part when it comes to serious matter which requires my full attention and concentration. Alhamdulillah.

words of wisdom from my latest book that I grabbed at KLIA "How The Mighty Fall by Jim Collins"

"Whether you prevail or fail, endure or die, depends more on what you do to yourself than on what the world does to you." -Jim Collins-

ONCE...syahdu

Pagi ini kerje aku bermula agak awal..mungkin terlalu awal. Kemudian, mesyuarat silih berganti. Namun, aku semacam puas. Sepertinya, sudah lama aku tidak mencerna minda untuk berfikir pantas, menjana idea dgn rakus serta menyampaikannya dengan semangat. Sudah agak lama minda ini tidak dicabar dengan bantahan-bantahan berkualiti.

Malam ku berakhir lewat. Namun, aku puas kerana selesai apa yang ingin diselesaikan hari ini. Dikala aku mula merasa sedikit gembira melayan kerenah kenalan baru, aku ditempelak seakan bermotifkan suka. Dan dikala aku memujuk hati kerana ditempelak sedemikian, hatiku memujuk sayu dirinya sendiri. Akan peranan aku untuk menceriakan. Umpama lilin yang membakar dirinya, agar insan lain bisa nikmati cahaya.

Dan dikesyahduan malam yang sepi ini. Merenung ke langit yang indah ciptaan Tuhan. Rasa hamba dan rendah menyedari dimana letaknya diri ini. Letaknya diri ini dalam situasi yang memilukan. Rendahnya diri ini disisiNya.

Maka apakah harus aku membiarkan diri ini pilu dalam drama ini ? Atau apakah aku harus persetankan semuanya ? Atau mengikut sahaja caturanNya dan berserah padaNya ?

Nukilan dan hakcipta terpelihara - NMD 14 Oct 2009

ONCE...full steam ahead !!!

Had a good meeting this morning...and all of us has to be in full gear. It'll start to be aggressive and perhaps hectic as well. It shall be an interesting new beginning...

ONCE...black Monday ?

It was quite a challenging Mon I must say. Being attacked from the beginning..almost everything I say has to be attacked first before rational kicks-in. Dunno what really hit me...why..? Few people noticed it.

Shared with my boss on the situation and the advice among other things was to bear with it. Increase the threshold, be patience and I will not be left there alone. On one angle, kinda overwhelm with the recognition and acknowledgement on my skills and capabilities to handle such a delicate project. On another angle, kinda sad as I can't pursue the area that I might be able to perform better. For now, need to collect myself back..plan properly and execute accordingly.

And as I'm about to collect myself, I got food poisoning and headache !!! Collapse the whole night and Tue as well. Missed Cradle's open house :( And when everything seems to be alright this morning, something 'bad' happen just 5 minutes before I reached office. Damn !!! Oh well..just bear with it...

ONCE...raya ngan anakanda

Weekend ari tu aku beraya ngan anak2. Terubat rindu selama ni. Cume ada mixed feelings with them. Seronok bila tgk diorang main, gelak2, manja2...tapi sedih bila mengenangkan apa yg dah dipasak dlm pemikiran diorang. Tambah ngan apa yg jadi baru2 ni buatkan aku lebih terusik.

Satu ketika aku tertanya2 kenapa ini semua terjadi...dan aku tertanya2 dimana aku yang dulu. Yang tenang dan sentiasa pasrah dengan keadaan...walaupun ada ketika aku memang tenang, terima seadanya, cume kadang2 aku tertanya2. Aku tak pernah bertanya sebelum ni.

Berat sgt ke dugaan aku kali ni ? Aku tau ada hikmah disebalik setiap ujian dan kejadian...apakah aku telah menjadi lemah ? Tak mungkin ! Kerana ujian yg diturunkan pastinya kerana aku boleh melaluinya...cume apakah jalan yang aku ambil ini yang terbaik ? Hanya Dia yang tahu segala2nya...